Different for a Reason

Have you ever been asked why you do what you do?

As a believer who is seeking to obey God, and who is being shaped more like Christ by the working of the Holy Spirit, you are going to be asked a bunch of questions.

"Why don't you swear?....
Why do you respect your parents like that, even when they're illogical?...
Why don't you want to have sex before you're married?....
Why don't you wear this?
Go there?...
Why aren't you worried about making more money?
Why?
Why?
Why?"

What the world is really asking is;

"Why do you believe God?
What about His character makes you rely on what He says as truth?"

They are examining you to see if God is real.

They are looking at ME to answer their questions?!?!? They are looking at my life searching for evidence of God, of the Holy Spirit in me?!

Kinda scary isn't it?

But do you what is even more scary?

Listening to a group of believers argue about standards. No, not Christians discussing biblical commands. I am talking about a group of believers engaged in a heated debate over an issue that is not important. They are so distracted by their academic points and how well they can argue their side that they are missing the entire point.
I've been here. I've been PART of these groups. It IS scary...because we are missing the entire purpose of the standards God has called us to.

In 1 and 2 Timothy Paul writes to his son in Christ, the man he has been mentoring, about how ministry is to be run. He warns Timothy about the intellectual distractions we fall into when we are looking at our faith and sanctification as an achievement we accomplish ourselves instead of realizing it is a work the Holy Spirit accomplishes in us (John 15).

"...that thou mightest charge some that they teach no other doctrine, Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questions, rather than godly edifying which is in faith: so do.

Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned:

From which some having swerved have turned aside unto vain jangling;" -1 Tim. 1:3b-6

No doubt, the principles and standards of holiness God has given to us to live by in His word He has given to us for a reason.

How do I make sure I am upholding God's standards and not one's that are actually man's?

How do I avoid all of the entangling debates, that assert our own attempt at godliness above what God really says?

It is easy to get involved in a group of believers and begin adopting standards, whether biblical or not, for the purpose of making them happy or yourself appear more disciplined. What can I do to keep my sincerity in check?

I should be holding each standard up to I Timothy 1:5.

"Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned: "

These things should be what is being seen. Not my fleshly wisdom, intelligence, or discipline, which is as useful as filthy, dirty, rags to God.

This is my interpretation of I Timothy 1:5:

"The outcome of our standards, the big picture of why God tells us to do or not do certain things....the ultimate result of our principles is to produce unselfish, generous action. Born out of a pure heart...motives not dulled or corrupted by fleshly desires, worldly wisdom, or Satan's lies. Coming from a sound moral compass grounded in the Word of God, which gives us an accurate and truthful sense of right and wrong and reveals to us our duty to God and mankind. And from faith: a genuine and complete trust in the character of God. Not having faith when it suits personal desires or makes you look better. But believing God is Who He says He is and will do what He said He will do regardless of personal cost or reputation."

This is the litmus test for every standard I hold, and every motive I have for upholding it. It it producing this result in my life...charity out of a pure heart, sound conscience, and genuine faith?

Leia Mais…

You Are Loved

If you LISTEN...the next nine minutes could change your Christian life...forever.

I know this video is long. But please, take the time to watch it. I have watched this at least ten times since I have found it. You may need to watch it over again as soon as you finish it just to make sure you didn't miss anything.

Leia Mais…

Glimpse

God,

Help me to change when I don't have the strength to do it myself.

One the days when all I can see it ME;

Remind me of what I was created for.

Show me Your life more abundant;

Show me Your life inside of me.

Help me realize that I was created for more than a lukewarm life.

That I was not put on this earth to please ME.

Keep showing me, please, until I realize that the only way to truly LIVE

Is to DIE to self.

Rid me of selfish ambitions, unimportant dreams, and fleeting distractions.

Show me a glimpse of the life You meant for me to live.

And DON'T STOP, until I realize,

That the ones who have the most

Are those who give it all away.

Amen.

Leia Mais…

Stony Ground: But the Dandelion Looks Fine...

I flip a little further in my manual from my perch on the rock face.

"Stony Ground." Was the title of the next chapter.

"And some fell on stony ground, where it had not much earth; and immediately it sprung up, because it had no depth of earth: But when the sun was up, it was scorched; and because it had no roots, it whithered away." -Mark 4:5-6

Hmmm....I thought. I held my flashlight in my mouth as I climbed down to have a look. I descended until I finally reached the bottom, I let go of the wall and hoped to the ground of the cave.

Crunch. Rustle. Snap.

My feet landed with a tirade of noise. I pointed my flashlight at my feet. There it was, I was shuffling through mound of dead plants. Their brown leaves burst into dust as a repositioned my feet. How did this happen? I thought to myself. I scraped away a layer of deceased plant material, the soil underneath was dry as bone. I brushed away the dusty dirt until I hit rock.

I flipped through my manual again.

"And some fell upon rock; and as soon as it was sprung up it whithered away, because it lacked moisture." - Luke 8:6

No! This can't be, I madly dug into the sandy soil, but only rock stared back at me from underneath. I grabbed my water bottle and emptied the glistening liquid on the pile of plants and dust; but what was I thinking, it was much too late.

I sat in that spot not wanting to see anymore. My manual laid in my lap waiting to be read.

"They on the rock are they, which, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, which for a while believe, and in time of temptation fall away." -Luke 8:13

So there were no roots? That was the problem? I picked up a limp stem, the hairlike strands of root were brittle and pale. I held the dying plant in my hand and dropped my head in despair. I began to see myself in a different light. Because it was true....I was rootless. I thought back at all of the clues I hadn't noticed.

I would hear something, maybe it's happened to you too. I hear a message on charity, or read a passage about forgiveness and as soon as I hear it I purpose to do better. I will reach out to that person, stop complaining, or read my Bible everyday without fail. But as soon as it becomes inconvenient or difficult I throw my resolution out the window. Why is that?

I see this in myself all the time, I promise myself I will do better with my relationships, with my devotions, or my attitude. But when push comes to shove, I break down, and just end up doing what is easiest.

My mind went back to something my history professor had told us:

"When given the opportunity: people will do the wrong thing. Because the right thing is always harder."

What a terrible thing?! I had thought when I heard that. But it is TRUE. This is what happens when our roots are dying. When the sun is up and burning the baby seeds trying to sprout in our souls. I set my jaw, trying to understand what all of this meant. I glanced down at the manual in my lap. There on the page stood in bold black letters:

"No root.....No plant."

What is a root, really? I ask holding up the wispy plant. I rustled through the pages, to the definitions at the back of the chapter.

1.) Root- Part of the plant that grows downward into the soil, anchoring the plant and absorbing nutriment and moisture.

Okay...roots are very important. Roots need water, and soil. Roots anchor the plant. And in order to be efficient in sustaining the plant they must be deep. This is what I know about roots.

Without them the seed will remain on the surface and never change my heart. The plants will never grow in my life. So, what can I do to make my roots stronger?

Well according to the definition, they need something called nutriment, and they need water. I scan the page until I find it. Ah, there it is.

2.) Nutriment- Any substance or matter that, taken into a living organism, serves to sustain it's existence, promoting growth, replacing loss, and providing energy.

Hmmm...I think I am beginning to understand. Simply trying harder, or making resolutions is not enough to make the seeds GROW. In order for the seeds so have healthy roots, they need things that sustain it's existence. The need things that promote it's growth, provide energy, and protect it from loss. What are these things?

It's the things that are God's. Because drenching a plant with things that are of me, my own will, tenacity, and fortitude; only kill the plant. In order for the seed's roots to survive, they need to be given more of Him. They need His promises, encouragement, and help. If I try to make the seedling grow on my own, it will die.

Plain and simple.

If I want them to grow I must feed them those things God has given me. His Word, His people, His promises. The seed of His Word needs....Him.

I've only begun to understand; but I stand to my feet, feeling better.

But a pile of dead seedlings was nothing compared to what I was about to see.....

Leia Mais…

The Way Side: Watch Out for the Bird Poo

So here I am, my rope slung across my chest, holding my flashlight in my mouth, I begin my descent into the dark, damp, chasm of....ME.

What am I looking for? Well...I'm looking for seeds, or lack of seeds. What I want to see are mighty oaks; but I can see from my perch on the rock face that I will have no such luck today. So I settle for the hope of finding at least a sapling or two down there. I open my Parable-of-the-Sower Soul Searching Manual, and flip it open to page one.

". . . THE WAY SIDE . . ."

The bold, scary letters stare back at me. A chill runs down my spine, and I flip the page.

"Behold...."

The word yells at me thunderously and echoes off the cave walls.

"...a sower went forth to sow;" It continues softer.

"And when he sowed, some seeds fell by the way side, and the fowls came and devoured them up:" - Matt. 13:3b-4

Hmmm...what does that mean? I look up at the opening above me, nope. No birds here. So what am I looking for? I flip a little farther in my manual. Ah...there it is, an arrow pointing to an explanation.

"Those by the way side are they that hear; then cometh the devil, and taketh away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved." -Luke 8:12

"When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart..." -Matt 13:19

Whoa! This is some pretty serious stuff, I say closing the manual and placing it back in my pack. So the seed by the way side...it's the seed that never makes it. It gets taken away before it even has a chance to sprout.

I reach up to reposition my hold for the decent, and stick my hand is a slimy, wet substance. I pull my hand away and hold it under my flashlight. Yep...just like I thought; bird poo.

Ahhh...now I think I am beginning to understand. I've had experience with the way side and it's falcon. I see this when I don't understand a passage I am reading, or a message I am hearing, or even advice someone is giving me. I don't seem to grasp it's meaning, and then it proceeds to go absolutely. . . nowhere. In a matter of seconds, it's gone. Vanished. Poof.

Message over, passage read, advice giver gone...and my mind is still completely blank. The seed has officially been eaten. Yes the evil falcon has found it's way into the mouth of my cave...snatching my precious seeds before they can even fall to the ground.

But this nemesis isn't only after me. A memory flashes through my mind as I clean the nasty liquid from my hand.

I remembered a friend I seen standing in the Way Side. I met him at school, he was an agnostic who loved to talk... And I am a Christian who loves to talk about it...

Needless to say we got into our share of debates. We would talk about the meaning of life, what faith is, and where people came from. He would outright ask me why I believe the way I do. So I would tell him. For hours I would talk about how simple and irresistible salvation was. I would talk endlessly about the human condition of being born in SIN and our desperate need for a Savior...

We would discuss deep example, such as marriage as a picture of Christ and the Church, God as Father, and of course hours and hours were spent on Creation versus evolution.

He would ask me question after question and I would give him every answer I could think of. But I watched it all never dawn upon his face. He either didn't understand what I was saying or simply didn't believe it. Either way... it was stolen before it even made it inside him.

I begin to slip, losing my footing on the rocks; jolting me from my flashback. I shoot one last glance at the opening in the cave before I begin my descent.

"Darn birds!" I mutter.....

Leia Mais…

Guess What Day it is?

It's here...again. The day that happy couples flood every work place flaunting their happiness and self-worth, while all the singles out there spend their day stomping on candy hearts and being cynical about their solo state.

Really?! Must we do this every year? Come on people get a grip. Valentine's day, I will admit, is not my favorite day of the year. Everything is pink, there's flowers, roses, and cheesy cards everywhere with a bunch of pet names and bow-packing babies plastered on every billboard, store window, and television commercial known to man. It's an over-done, flaky attempt at affection that I seem to be allergic too.

But underneath all the hype, the idea of the holiday is about appreciating all the special people in your life. It's about celebrating the best in people. Giving back a little of the support and affection they've given to you over the years. So let's stop all the heart stomping, rose killing, and guilt tripping. Instead let's evaluate our capacity for loving PEOPLE in general.

This year, the cute couples can stampede me and the unhappy singles can rant and rave at me; but I have bigger concerns. Such as:

Am I truly loving PEOPLE?

If God is love; I should be loving others EVERYDAY?

True love is care and affection in the absence of self-interest.

TRUE love is unconditional. Which means I should be giving it to people FREELY; just as I have received it from my Creator.

Believe it or not, in a midst all the mush and flare of Valentine's day. What the world is really missing.....is LOVE. They just don't know it yet, because their too busy trying to fulfill culture's definition of what love and self-worth is. What they are missing is TRUE, HONEST, UNSELFISH....LOVE. The brawny type of love that doesn't leave people who make mistakes, or guilt trip people who aren't perfect. The type of love that has no requirements and no expiration dates. Love that is REAL. Care based on what Christ did for us, not for what someone can offer.

Loves that reaches out, gives freely, and sacrifices unselfishly. The type of love that can only be fully understood when you know the One who created and defines it. The Love that began at the beginning of time and showed us what it looked like at the cross.

Because THIS love. . . CHANGES the world.

Leia Mais…

I'm Looking in the Closet....and Under the Bed...

So once upon a time I was talking about gingerbread men, the matrix, spoon bending, and oh most importantly epiphanies. Particularly one that involved the parable of the sower found in Matthwe 13:1-23. We've all heard the story, whether in Sunday school, by reading it, or just hearing it from other people. But have we really stopped to evaluate what it means to our lives?

I had learned about this story in church, the seed represented the gospel and the ground represented lost souls. This way of looking at it is good. But it usually causes believers to fall asleep, saying well I already received the gospel so this passage isn't very crucial to how I live anymore.

Wrong.

A few weeks ago, this parable was taught in a totally different way for me.

Think of the seed as the Word of God. Not just the Bible, not just sermons. Think of His word as anything He shows you. Every conviction, every example He gives you, every time He touches your life in any way; through the Bible, prayer, worship...anything. Now think of the ground as your heart.

No, that's right; it's all your heart, the whole field.

I was challenged to look at the ground of what was going on inside; and yes, as an ex-gingerbread woman I was not looking forward to introspection. I really didn't want to know what was in there. I was too afraid to look.

But I was tired...really tired, of the way that I'd been living. My life, faith, hopes, relationships, everything was crumbling around me and I desperately wanted it to stop. I knew what I needed was change.

Drastic and whole-hearted. A daring type of change.

So despite all my reservations and fears, curiosity won out. If this was a crucial part of grabbing onto the more abundant life that Jesus promised, then I was going to try it.

In I went, to search the cavernous, terrifying depths of my own soul. Flashlight and rope in hand I repelled further than I'd ever bothered to go before.

Though it is scary, dark, and unwelcoming in there, I was determined to find the ghastly monster hidden in there that was robbing me of the life God created me to live.

Leia Mais…

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means

This song has been on the radio a lot for the past couple of weeks. It always seems to hit me at the most inconvenient times. Driving home from work, driving to or from Wendsday night church. After a disagreement with a family member, or after being faced with rejection.
It always seems to come on at those moments when all I want to do is feel sorry for myself.
When I am wrapped tightly in my own chains of self-pity and self-centeredness.Then this first verse comes on and I think about the little boy, the broken wife, the dying prisoner. And I think to myself; "What have I done? What am I doing?"





Not only has Jesus given me complete and honest love. He has given it to me even when I do not deserve it. He still shows me how unconditional the love a perfect God is when He blesses me, even when I am acting like a ungrateful child. This love is what binds us, we can no longer be consumed with ourselves when Someone loves us like this. We can't keep it in and we can't hide it. The only response we can have to this sort of love, is to
share it.

Leia Mais…

Wait....We're Not Playing By Playground Rules Anymore!?

So here I am, ready for Truth to bust me out of the Matrix; and I am stopped dead in my tracks by a very old truth. A few short passages I had memorized in Sunday school. How could this be?! I'm in college?! I am supposed to be smart.
Oh...do I have much to learn. This is what Slippage, and Failure do; they make us forget...hard and fast.

"But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first." -Matt. 19:30



But wait! That's not...are we really supposed to...how are we going to get ahead?
Yes, this is how culture yields us broken and useless for good works or for finding God's will for our lives. The logic of the Matrix world is completely backwards. So exactly opposite of God's rules that we end up confused.
Success is not beating the other guy to the top of the ladder. In fact, Jesus is telling us it is the other way around. It's letting the other person go first. Success is mastering how to take the back seat. This goes against our grain, doesn't it?

This is where it began. I realized that I was very bad at being last.

"...If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Matt. 16:24b-26

When you're epically lousy at being last, it's already too late. It's on of the last warning signs that you"re losing your soul. If you can't put anyone before yourself, you aren't putting Christ's desires above your own either.
This is when I started noticing a little bit of what I had been missing. When I "found" this; it hit me like a ton of foreign bricks. It was like reading for the first time ever. A brand new idea, that was both exciting and horrible at the same time. Something so hopeful yet it made me feel so guilty. I saw myself for what I really was. A selfish kid who still yelled "Me First!" at the world.
I had regressed to a spiritual seven year old.
How could this happen? Where did I fall?

But this was just the first epiphany...I had a long way to trek before I could wave goodbye to the Matrix...

Leia Mais…

Are You in the Matrix or Am I?

I would love to tell you that I now have all the answers. Believe me. I would love nothing more than to spout off profound words of wisdom that I accumulated by what I went through.
But that would be make-believe. And I've had enough pretending.
So, no words of wisdom; I'm just going to be...to gingerbread men's surprise...HONEST.

I had hit rock-bottom.

My logic was useless.

The counsel I was receiving from college and peers was tainted.

And I felt that I had the wisdom and experience of the average two-year old.

What do you do when you discover that you've been living a lie? That you've been duped, taken, shafted.

Well, I'm not positive about what you should do. But you can always do what I did.

...I RAN...

No, not physically. Unfortunately I could not afford a plane ticket to Thailand...my Matrix world of Bachelor's degrees and self-made security happened to have drained my bank account as well...go figure.
No, I ran away mentally.
I became a silent rebel against the gingerbread cut-out.
What did I do?
I put my fingers deep inside my ears...I stopped listening.
I still turned in the assignments, I still passed the exams. I looked faithful and fooled on the outside; but now I was different.
I had doubted and discovered.
I knew their dirty secret...I could feel their childishness.

I could now...bend the spoon.

The funny thing about running though, is that it doesn't get you very far unless you know where you are going.

This is where I was; this is where I am.

I may have ditched the royal icing bow-tie and now have the ability to bend cereal spoons; but now I must know where I'm supposed to GO.

What now?

Lucky for me; Truth knows all about the Matrix.

I believe Truth smiles, while shaking His head, as he sees gingerbread people throw down their ties. He may even let out a sigh as He watches them begin to run.

He appreciates every bent spoon we hand Him...but He knows that this is just the very beginning.

Like a father waiting patiently for their child to finish tying their shoes for the first time; Truth nods at my spoon and brushes some cinnamon from my hair.
He smiles, "Now that you've caught on...let's get going."

But Truth starts slow...if bent spoons blow her mind let's not show her everything at once.

For that I am grateful. I was ready to go. I was ready for something so big, so mind-shattering, so profoundly different, that I might not be able to handle it.
But do you know what Truth gave me first?

Something old.

Something I'd learned and understood years ago. But slippage had taken it away...big surprise.

It was a simple truth contained in a few tiny passages I had memorized in Sunday school...

Leia Mais…

Be Careful...All is not How it Seems.

So, as an ex-gingerbread girl with no identity I stumbled to me feet helplessly. With the huge, heavy feeling of "Now what?" weighing me down.

I knew there was something missing. Something bigger then my selfish, cookie-cutter existence.
There was more then this lie I had been living.
Out there...somewhere, was truth. And with truth comes purpose. I knew there had to be something REAL.
In the bottom of my heart, and in the back of my mind, I knew what it was. (You do too, don't you?)

GOD.

The very One people say does not exist because they can't "see" Him.

No, God didn't create the world...because I didn't see Him do it.

The very thing they doubt is the only thing that's real.

To say I was searching would not be accurate. I knew what I wanted to find. See, I had found it ten years before, but; with the help of my buddies, Slippage and Failure, and a platoon of especially deceptive gingerbread men... I lost it.
This is starting to sound like a certain Keanue Reeves movie isn't it?



Hmm...or maybe it's just me.

Leia Mais…

Being Gingerbreadmen

I would love to say I stopped right here and listened...but I didn't. I ignored the questions. I tried to push my doubts aside and instead of listening, I compared myself with what other people were doing. I held my life up to what I thought my parents wanted, and to what my siblings had done before me. According to all of them; I was right on track. So everything must be okay...right? ...Not exactly.
When I couldn't stand it anymore, and finally had the guts to acknowledge some of these doubts, I found myself asking these people I was comparing myself to, if what I had wanted was right. If my definition of responsibility was true. Asking those I had using as track markers if what I was doing was best; I subtly begged them for an answer as to why I was so miserably. In response, I was casually awarded with a, "don't worry, you'll get used to it." or a, "you just can't handle it."
Basically, a GIANT label that said; "WEAKLING" was gingerly adhered to my forehead. By peers, professors, family, friends...anyone who would listen to me or anyone who looked successful. Maybe I was weak. I did break you know...I asked...I questioned. I doubted the cookie-cutter gingerbread men who claimed to be the picture of Responsibility. The mainstream "successful" people at college or work, who were older and "more experienced".
But soon I discovered their deep, dark secret. It was terrifying; because I found it first deep inside myself. As my fingers began turning into spicy aromatic bread, and the first icing buttons appeared on my torso. I began noticing it first in my relationships. They were corroding around me...I was not the same. But I didn't get the hint here either;I blamed it on being busy and moved on. "I'm growing up, life just changes." I told myself. It's true, I was changing. I now stank of ginger wherever I went and a sweet, red bow-tie was slowly tightening its grip around my neck.
I was becoming more like them. More like the "Responsibles". That is what I wanted...right?
Then a new symptom appeared. This one shook me to my spice-ridden core. I had always had an extensive vocabulary; but now it was being dominated by two tiny words.

ME...and...I.

"How could this happen?" I asked myself in disbelief. "NO, no, no, no, NO!!!" I shouted. But no one heard; because I was the only one around.
The secret of the gingerbread men was...Selfishness.
I could see it now on every one of them. I could smell in on myself. They claimed to be responsible; to be growing up. But the trait that came to define them was characteristic trait of childishness itself.
The child who won't share. The kid who screams, "Gimmee that!". It's all part of the selfishness scam. The one that says you will be happy if you can please yourself. The goal in life is to get everything you want, it whispers. Now I see the emerging adults (of all ages), who call themselves responsible, as nothing more than children who use big words and have mastered the art of backyard bullying!
Well, I had had enough. My whole image of "success" and "adulthood" came crashing down. I yanked and my red bow-tie again and again. I came of with a snap and I threw it to the ground.
"No more!" I shouted, as I stomped on my royal icing accessory. "It's all a lie!" I sank to my knees as the red sugar melted into the mud and stained my hands pink.

So there I was.
A broken girl; bear necked and pink fingered, on my knees in the mud. The remains of a "Weakling" label still present on my cinnamon, tear-streaked face.

Appalled at the idea of joining the masses, I refused a gingerbread identity.

I now desired something different, something truly beautiful, and profoundly hopeful...Change.

This is where it all begins...the pursuit of something more. This is where my story starts...

Leia Mais…

Responsibility meets Reality

I can almost stick a flag in the exact moment when I first began to lose my balance. I had just begun to slip...but of course, I didn't notice. I wasn't paying attention.
It was as soon as I graduated high-school; or a few weeks before. It was the exact moment I began to feel pressured to become a, "responsible adult."
Ha, ha; which you and I know is so rare these days it's almost an oxymoron. We put those two; responsibility and adulthood, together as if simply being an adult makes you responsible. Which is not true.
When is a person an "adult" anyway? When they're 18? 21? Or when they're well...responsible?
Either way, I made the cardinal mistake.

I started observing what culturally appointed; "responsible adults" did, and I assumed that was what responsible was.

So I did what I saw them doing. I put my head down, put "success" first, and ran...as fast as I could. Well, for awhile anyway.

The funny thing about success is; unless you catch it, whatever you come up with instead, is inevitably, failure.

Readers, meet Failure.
Failure, Readers.

I met him by accident. Failure swept into my life so fast he actually surprised me. I was busy chasing after success, I never found her by the way, and instead I kept running into him. Failure.
It made us laugh, how hard I kept trying to find something different. As if by sheer will and exertion I could produce success. We both knew it was useless. So I hunkered down with my two new buddies; Slippage and Failure. They both looked nice together by the way, as I bolted down the hatches and hoped for nothing but survival.

So here I am, sandwiched in a group hug consisting of me, Slippage, and Failure, and I wonder what happened. Where did I go wrong?

Ahhhh...that is the epiphany.

I went wrong from the very moment I latched onto that beautiful, big word;



Not that responsibility is bad. On the contrary it is the goal of adulthood. But when I branded that word on my mind; which I did, as permanently as I could, I attached the wrong definition to it. When I looked around I thought:

Responsible=
- Bachelors degree
- financial security
- working 40 hrs. a week...wait 80 is better
- saving money
- making money

Later I even went a little farther:

- Good job, with degree, 80 hr. weeks.
- nice place
- a relationship
- financial security as young as possible

(You can laugh now, if it suits you.)
As soon as I purposed to achieve these things, (which I believed were "responsible" things for adults to achieve), I ran into all sort of un-forseen, and un-accounted for problems. Like I mentioned before, this is when I met Failure.
I learned the hard way that financial security and a Bachelor's degree cannot occupy the same space. (So I gathered after draining my savings to pay for school.) In fact, neither can a 40 hr. a week job or a nice place. At least not for years anyway.
I also noticed that, even if I attained all these things, (which was impossible to do all at the same time), I still may not be happy.

What if I had no one to care about?
No people to share with?
What if...What if...?

I began to spy just a corner of what I had forgotten to factor into my life-plan. I started, just barely...to doubt.
From somewhere underneath my well-laid plans I began to hear something. I got down on my stomach and pressed my ear against the rough, dry surface of imagined success. Yep, I heard it...questions. Thousands of them being whispered over each other like a debate tournament taking place in a library.

What if you're missing something?
Is this what life is really about?
If this is the "responsible" thing to do, why aren't you happy?
Brittany, what happened to your peace?
Where's your compassion? Your sympathy?
What about your middle school dreams?
What happened to your faith?

And so it began...

Leia Mais…

Slippage Becomes Cold, Hard Reality.

I noticed something that bothered me. I was re-evaluating my life. Over the past year I had chose a career path, started college, and continued to work my job. I was finally starting to embark on adult life...or so I thought. Everything looked right on the outside. But soon my decisions about life became shaky, my life began to fall apart, and my resolve unraveled. Then, on top of that I noticed...

I don't have any answers.

Younger friends ask for advice on how to make decisions about their future, adults and peers ask me what I plan to do with mine...but I've got nothing. I usually give some sort of vague, hazy answer just to avoid complete silence...and to free myself from the stupid look I can feel taking up residence on my face.
I can pretend that I am surprised. I could come up with thousands of lame excuses and dramatic sob stories to explain why I don't seem to have learned or gained anything from the past six months of my life. But why waste your time?

I slipped. It's as simple as that.

Not having any answers is annoying, but the unbearable lack of peace that inevitably comes with slipping is far worse.
First, you may be wondering exactly what I mean by the word "slipping".
Well, Webster's got a few definitions he wants to interject before I tell you what it means specifically to me.

"Slip- To fall or lose one's balance.
... to become less active or strong."

And yes, I am talking physically, emotionally, and in particular; spiritually. Declining as a follower of Jesus. Becoming less and less like Him and more and more like some crazy monster you've never seen before...or wait, maybe that's just what happens when I uncork myself.
Slipping is the act of becoming a shadow of one's self. Becoming less than what you were. Which, for people like me; who weren't super-Christians before, is not the best diagnosis. What may be surprising is that slippage isn't sly. It won't hide from you, or disguise itself; it doesn't even sneak up on you... unless you're not paying attention.
In fact, that is one of the things that makes slippage so awful; it's SO obvious. No, maybe not at first; not to you. But everyone else can see it. It's as plain as the banana peal I've been skiing around on.

Slippage stinks. It's dirty, grimy, and filthy. It's been a faithful, repulsive companion of mine for the last year. I always knew I was slipping; but I never knew how to go about stopping it once and for all. I would discover one thing that may have caused it, or another mistake that didn't help. But I never could see the whole picture. The full extent of what was actually going on.
Not too long ago I found one more piece of the problem. I actually had found this one before..but then I lost it again. But that's what slippage is all about right?

Losing things.

The epiphany I had came from a lesson on the parable of the sower. I had read the story tons of times but this time we read it differently. Instead of looking at the seed as the gospel and the ground as the lost; we thought of the seed as God's Word and the ground as OUR hearts.
My heart.
I could go through the story. What I've done wrong, what I should have done but didn't...and on and on. But the epiphanies start before this parable. Let me tell you the whole story...but bear with me it may take a couple posts...

Leia Mais…